Bring on 40 - the Goddess cometh!

So, here we are in 2012. The year I’m excited about, but with a dash of dread. For this year, I turn 40.

I can barely believe it and I’m beginning to understand what my parents have always said that although the body gets older, the spirit remains young! I see evidence now and again on the dancefloor and in sore muscles the next day!

In fact, in thinking of moving into my next decade, I recall a Bill Cosby stand up routine which I saw as a teenager. Mr Cosby talked hilariously about the experiences of turning 40 - not all good! I laughed so hard and thought, “Ha! These old people aren’t doing it right...I’ll keep fit and I’ll never get old!”.

I’ve kept my pledge to try to keep fit, nonetheless my joints are now less agile and my limbs seem to have taken on a thickening process! So, yoga has replaced muscle-building cycling to help keep joints fluid and muscles toned – subject to my genetic code that is! My DNA could be laughing at me right now: “Ha,ha! You can go as many downward dogs as you like, lady, but your genes will not be out-foxed!”.

Physical challenges aside, the final year of my 30s as a single lady is going be very interesting. I hope I’ve dealt with a lot of the demons us women are forced to face at this age, but some of the battles will continue I’m sure. But I can only hope I’m gathering sufficient wisdom and patience to remain focussed when making some inevitable and foundation-shifting decisions.

The issue of becoming a mother remains unresolved...of course. The roller coaster journey is not for the faint hearted! One week it seems ok never to be a mum, the next week a wave of broodiness hits you like a steam train. Dealing the emotions is very tough – it’s exciting and heart-breaking at the same time. But I believe you have to go through the process if you are considering consciously bringing a child into the world on your own. First and foremost, you make decisions for the unborn child. Your ego has to be put aside sometimes – and that’s part of the struggle.

On another matter - these days I have a much more solid sense of my own values which is very important in a society which still insists on making single women feel like failures. The stereotyped ‘happy couple’ is everywhere – buying a sofa on TV ads, frolicking on beaches in holiday brochures...falling in love over a squirt of perfume in magazines! You simply have to ignore those messages if you want to maintain a reasonable level of self-esteem! And we all know it’s down to an uncreative advertising industry using the same, tired idea.

I also now know the myth of the ‘career woman’ doesn’t exist. God knows which politician or tabloid journalist created this concept years ago! From my experience, single women have no choice but to work hard to earn a decent single income to keep a roof over their head. The stress inevitably impacts your energy levels, in turn, you have less enthusiasm to get out there and find a new man.
Falling asleep on a date is a little rude afterall! Opportunities for husband-hunting (as it were) become fewer, the harder you work. I could indeed give it all up, but then where would I find the cash to go on dates or go out to meet new people generally?

Anyway, with still no prospect of a good man riding in on his nobel stead, I need to prepare myself for the next part of my life based on possibly not finding the right partner for a while still....who knows, eh?

But it’s not all doom and gloom!

In approaching my 40th, I am claiming my right to buck the ideas of others' and my old expectations, and live life how it suits me best. The jigsaw puzzle is slowly coming together! It’s a big, juicy cliché but it feels like a watershed.

In fact, a very wise lady told me 2 years ago, that it’s not until our late 30s that we truly begin to become women – any time before, we’re still girls at heart. I totally appreciate this now after the last few years of various life experience and major shift in priorities.

I also understand better now when people talk about their ‘inner goddess’, and it’s not necessarily just a spiritual idea. I think it’s simply about learning to be more of the woman you know you really are, when in the past, you never had the confidence to accept it: both good and not so good. Afterall, some of the most beautiful goddesses and deities from various cultures are not at all sweet and innocent are they? But they are known for their own brand of wisdom and reflect different aspects of our life and character which are there in us all. And it’s easier to live with them if we accept them, rather than ignore them....in my humble opinion....!

So bring on the big 4-0 and all that it brings! My goddess is ready to be unleashed – huzzah!

Self help books that don't help!

After a gap between writing blog posts I am rejuvenating with renewed fire in my belly after reading the first few pages of a self help book for single women.

If you’ve read Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl and enjoyed it - good on you, but let’s agree to differ. Ok, moving on...

I ordered the book from Amazon to quench my niggling curiosity having ‘quit’ self help books many years ago. I really should’ve known better – in the past I digested a fair amount of books, and guess what? Mr Right still hasn’t arrived into my life. So I think it’s fair to say those books failed to help me correct mistakes I’d been making. Oh hang on a second...rewind... my mistakes? Yep, so it seems! These books are very good at pointing the finger of blame at women for not behaving in the certain way which is attractive to guys...but does this mean the men can do what they want while we go about changing our ways? Hmmmm...

This particular book opens with a rant laying into the ‘nice girl’ – this is the woman who apparently tries too hard, and who, subsequently, men won’t respect and lose interest after a short time. I almost threw the book out of the window without reaching the end of chapter one. Why do these authors blame women for being ‘nice’? Why is it a ‘mistake’? I do agree in part that men like a challenge and generally prefer to do the chasing, but I also know plenty of women who’ve been forthright and made the first move. Both approaches have led to contented, long term relationships it seems!

Call me naive, but are men really as stupid as these books portray them to be? If a man is so darn shallow that he thinks (according to this book) that if you cook for him and sleep with him on an early date, the woman is desperate and doesn’t value herself. Therefore, the man deems the woman as not being worth his time and runs after someone else.

Now, really ladies, would you want to be with a man who was really so dim-witted? When in fact, a woman can have a great time in the sack with a man, cook him a meal or two and STILL be a real catch. I know – it’s a revolutionary idea!

Most women have had to change to flow with society and so we’ve become more independent and we’re redefining our place in the world. That’s the hand we’ve been dealt by our parent’s generation and we’re paving the way for future generations of women – many of whom will probably also choose to remain single if they don’t find the right man. So, with our rapidly evolving role in the world, why are we women still reading books that tell us to stop being a ‘nice girl’ and play silly games to catch that guy?

I think the underlying message in many books is supposed to be about empowerment and not to care what men think of you (and watch them come running)...but in reality they seem to critise and get us thinking there’s something wrong with our character. Some of these books are so terrible for a woman’s self confidence and many are written by other women (who are also probably single!).

It might seem odd I’m getting so wound up about these books which are utterly sensationalist, but it’s more the issue they’re promoting - that single women are ‘wrong’ and are expected to adapt (haven’t we done enough of that in other areas of life?!) to fit in with men’s expectations. There’s nothing whatsoever ‘wrong’ with us – we don’t need to play games, ignore phone calls from men, or refrain from cooking for him on date two or three. If a man likes you, you usually soon know about it and games are unnecessary.

Personally, I’ve had enough of being told to change and we need literature which empowers us for the being the women we are, not batter us into the ground with criticism and blame for being a so-called ‘doormat’.

Maybe I’m an idealist, but I have to say (write) it. So ladies, just be yourself and enjoy your life as a single woman and the benefits it brings. Some man out there is seriously missing out on your amazing, sassy self!

The Single Life | iVillage UK

The Single Life | iVillage UK

Interesting article from iVillage website - thought I'd throw it out there!

So Maya Angelou says.....

Maya Angelou is one of my heriones and she recently came up in conversation with a good friend reminding me to include her in this blog.


Her poetry is intelligent wisdom borne from the unimaginable knocks she has survived. But in thinking about my blog, one of her quotes caught my attention the other week....

"I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass." 

It doesn't apply just to us single or to young girls, but can apply to every woman on this planet. It's about having the guts and energy to go for it. For me, it connected to the idea that without a man around, we are often forced into a corner and have to make some incredibly hard decisions. Perhaps take leaps of faith which none of us really expected to have to take. And we face doing this on our own without much support from society (see previous posts). Where are the not-for-profits with advice lines for us, eh? 


But if Maya Angelou can endure certain horrors and use it as inspiration for her works, then surely, we can find strength to fight for what we want as single women, without a partner to hold a safety net underneath our feet as we take leap after leap.....


C'mon!


Much love


x

Feeling truly inspired!

Gil Scott-Heron recently passed away but left us with a rich legacy of poetry and rhyme. These are beautiful tracks from his last album I'm New Here - he pays tribute the women who brought him up, making him the man he was.

On Coming from a Broken Home Part 1

Feeling truly inspired!

On Coming from a Broken Home Part 2

R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

I may offend some people (ok, I mean blokes) with this post but before I start bashing away on my unreliable keyboard,  I'd like to repeat here that this blog is based on my own experiences.  I'm sure others may disagree but I guess we're all on our own journey....Since the blog is about single life, the topic of former romantic experiences is unavoidable. Admit it - you've got a past also! 

Disclaimer: if you’re a man and don't fancy reading what some of your less scrupulous peers get up to (as if you don't know!), close this webpage right now. If you choose to stay, then feel free to join the party and leave a comment! 

Aretha Franklin’s ‘Respect’ is a powerful, soul-stirring song and it popped into my head when I was thinking about writing this. While reflecting on my romantic past, respect is something that seems to have been a missing part of the jigsaw. Indeed, mutual respect seems to be the common thread friends refer to when describing their relationships. But it’s a word which has been lacking in  my exes’ dictionaries...which is why they’re exes, I guess. 

As a younger woman I took this lack of respect towards women with a pinch of salt. Such caddish behaviour was excused in our 20s (he needs to grow up...he needs to sew his wild oats...he smokes too much wacky baccy!), but now? Well, it's just sad and boring. The guys I have met thus far in a romantic scenario have lacked this very basic skill - at the risk of sounding pompous, it's as if these guys haven't learned life's lessons at all. 


Am I too intolerant? Should I put up with being treated badly? Should I walk away from men who haven't yet grasped the concept of not taking women for granted? I just don't get this phenomenon and it's a frequent experience of so many single women - it's hugely baffling. Admittedly, I have had the above average dose of bad luck in love, and I'm sure there are some good guys out there somewhere.

However, guys I’ve met in the last few years seemed to have somehow lost their grasp of how to respect a woman (if they had it in the first place, that is!). At 38 years old, it's wildly frustrating. 

A 'subtle' reminder!

Is it the general corrosion of respect in society? Or is it that some men have no understanding of how to value women? Perhaps these men were so molly-coddled as children they expect the world to revolve around them? Or could it be that these men have had their hearts broken at least once and they’ve lost their faith in women?


There are no answers, and it probably isn't that complicated! But in the meantime, us ladies remain single because we respect ourselves when many men simply don’t. So, it totally makes sense that we'd give these men a wide berth since we prefer our own company and that of our friends!

A male friend once explained to me that when he felt ready to commit, he had to "learn to be good". I never took him to be 'not good' in the first place, so I was shocked that he felt he had to be a better person before he popped the question. Maybe this is the difference between a good man - who understands the value in making the effort to be a respectful and caring partner - and a ‘bad boy’ who doesn’t understand (or care) that he’s been a total ****** in the first place but knows some poor sap will put up with his behaviour. Hey - whatever revs your motor I guess.

It's crossed my mind that many of the men who are single at my age just don't want to be committed so by treating women with little respect they've nothing to lose. Unfortunately, I've experienced a broad spectrum of disrespectful behaviour. There was the boyfriend who came clean after I confronted him and he admitted he'd "fallen in love in Prague"...with another woman. He claimed he'd "forgotten" to tell me - purlease....And there are the guys who seem to open their hearts to you but never call again. Clearly, such men aren't worth any effort and can't be taken seriously. So, it's not surprising that at the first glimmer of such behaviour I walk away, rather than stick around and watch a very predictable picture unfold. It's just so D.U.L.L.


It's like climbing Everest - maybe one day I'll reach the summit and find a good, respectful man  - ideally there'll be mutual attraction too. But in the meantime, I'll keep my crampons strapped to my feet and hang on to my icepick since there's probably plenty more climbing to do...or I can just set up camp at a comfortable altitude and make the most of this on-going situation. 

The climb continues.....

Call me a bitter, old spinster if you like. But the fact is, is that it's very hard out there. So, if you're single and someone calls you "picky" tell them to hold their tongue! I bet very few 'marrieds' were criticised when they chose to get hitched. Why do we get criticised for being single? Instead, ask them to exchange places with you - see how the dating game is played these days. But after reading the above, I doubt anyone will take up this challenge! 




Coming next....strategy overkill - why self-help books with titles like "Why Men Love Bitches" don't work.