The 'Singles' Table of Life

I'm diverting away from stories about men and dating in this post - today I have another axe to grind!

In recent years, I have come to feel that society doesn't recognise the barriers single women of my age have to overcome. The barriers can have a massive impact on our lives, yet no one else seems to get it.

I think it's because we are seen as these wild women, living the high-life: having exciting affairs, partying every weekend and going on tantric yoga courses to 'experience the real India' or something. Ok, so the latter may be true (although my yoga course was minus the pony-tailed, charismatic Guru). And I do party but only occasionally. Just because I'm single, it doesn't mean my liver is miraculously still 21 years old.  I can't keep up with the young 'uns any more, so staying in with a good DVD tends to be the preferred options these days!

My point is, is that 'marrieds' (can't think of another abbreviated equivalent to 'singletons' which is also pretty cheesey actually) often assume I'm living a totally carefree life when in fact, being a long term single woman creates many unseen problems - basically we are excluded from many areas of society and I really think this never occurs to many people. I realise I risk sounding like a charity appeal but I just want to highlight a few things which are overlooked. I am representing!

Most of the time, I feel as if society has plonked me on the 'singles' table of life* - the kind you get put on at weddings (yes, it happens and I do often wonder why. Perhaps us singletons are deemed to be too wild - that we'll all start having sex on the tables or something so we're put at the back so as not to offend the relatives. Maybe I'm being unfair....I'm not bitter - just bemused...anyway, I digress).

I have had countless pub discussions with fellow single women about how, even in this day and age, we are automatically excluded from areas of life. Finance is a big issue - especially in these austere times. The potential to bring in two incomes (resulting in a better all round income) is one which couples automatically qualify for - good for them! The only way round this is as a singleton, is to live in a house share which is not the future we imagine as fresh-faced 20-somethings. In fact, I  moved out of my last house share at the age of 37 and I can only just afford my own flat now. I'm 39 this year.

Also, there's a heightened chance that we won't own property. Unless you are lucky enough to have a hefty deposit stashed away, the chances of saving enough cash on an average wage while renting private accommodation as single person are very low indeed. So, you're stuck in the 'Land of Rent' and in the UK,  tenants' rights are crap, quite frankly, so this life is also an unpredictable one.

Also, I've seen many married women change their career - they give it all up, re-train and embark on a new adventure. I'm keen to do the same, but without a second income to back me up it is simply not possible. Unless I win the lottery.

Another choice which can be very easily taken out of our hands is the ultimate choice a woman can make - to become a mother. I appreciate that some women in relationships may also not have this opportunity for various reasons, but as a single woman you're options are pretty damn narrow from the outset.

When I hit 36 my somewhat naive 'come what may' approach to motherhood suddenly changed. It was like being hit by a steam roller! I remember experiencing powerful waves of intense broodiness which used to hit me out of the blue. Before I'd coo over babies and young cute toddlers, but nothing could have prepared me for what was coming my way.

The waves intensified when a close friend gave birth to twins. Before then, I never would have thought my body could so utterly override my rational mind. While fussing over the babies I often felt overwhelmed with yearning for my own baby and I'd even feel the occasional stab of pain in my gut and tears springing into my eyes. No matter what I did, I simply could not talk my body into seeing (or feeling) sense. It was as if it was screaming at me: "Bloody well get out there and get on with it, woman!". I can now appreciate why it's called the Biological Clock. The ticking is sometimes deafening and I'm dreading the alarm going off....

Without the support of wider society to back me up, I'm coming to terms with potentially never being a mum, but also exploring alternatives - some feasible, some not. Anyway here they are: 

• Go out, find a man in a bar (or charismatic yoga teacher) and get pregnant;
• Settle down with someone because I want him to father my child - forget the love thing;
• Donor insemination (a very popular route);
• Adoption (a long, difficult, emotional and  unpredictable process so I hear);
• Ask a male friend to donate (I ain't talking about Comic Relief here).
• Get lucky, meet the right guy and build a wonderful relationship - as long as it's within the next 2 or 3 years max! I promise, I'm not being dramatic - it's reality.

So, life is not all wild parties, high heels and sexy dates (oh God, if only!). Because so many women haven't yet found a man who is right for them our options aren't as plentiful. Although this isn't Victorian Britain and we are 50 years since feminism, not a great deal has changed actually. We have to fight so much harder to achieve the life many couples live, just because they're a couple. Ok, so relationships may not be Utopia and they bring their own challenges, but the chance of fulfilling one's heartfelt desires seem to be so much closer to becoming reality than if you're single. 

Sure, life could be a lot worse, and single women aren't the only ones who can be alienated by the mainstream, but I do feel as if I need to represent women who are often simply dismissed as being too fussy, too dominant, too independent, too reserved, too demanding, not demanding enough, not patient enough, etc, to find a man. Also, our choice to be single isn't a choice we welcome - it's usually because we won't accept anything less than a respectful, committed and loving relationship and it's a very hard realisation and a courageous way to live one's life. You need balls to deal with the issues I've mentioned above. And even bigger balls to live as a single mother!

Like I said, it may seem I have hammed up the pitfalls of being a single woman, but if you look at the above combination - and throw in the frustration of failed dates - it's not a bed of roses. I just want to voice it.

I continue to hope I'll meet someone who is right for me. I continue to hope I can one day get a considerable pay rise so I can buy my own place without the income of a partner. I continue to hope I will still be a mum. And I do hope I'm never put on a singles table at wedding again....!

*I'd like to add as a postscript: all weddings I've attended have been wonderful! The concept of singles tables is a quirk of our society and I've used it as a source of inspiration - I hope I haven't caused offence...and I promise  nothing too 'wild' has ever gone on at the back of the room during the speeches.